Reflections
This time last year I was looking forward for January and waiting to move into our larger, brand new flat, space for the baby, clean and exciting. An old lady had lived there since the 60s and raised her family there, the renovations were made exactly for us. I had pushed for things to be new and clean due to Henry's CF so we got a new kitchen, new bathroom, new carpet, double glazing, dishwasher, fridge, washing machine, fresh paint etc etc. I was living in a smaller flat in central london with my husband and our 7month old baby, I had brought the baby home to this tiny flat from the hospital, gave him his first bath here, started weaning here but it was small and I had to carry the heavy buggy up and down stairs twice a day just to get out of the house. 2017 looked to be better. But I was alone. I decided to spend last New Year's at my friends which was fun, had made me feel more grateful for my husband and to be with someone but I couldn't shake the feeling that he just didn't care.
That became more obvious over the first 2 months into 2017 through various actions on his part. We went to marriage councilling together and seperately at vast cost. But through those months I had such hope. We moved in to the dream flat, and what he thought would vanish by getting more space just highlighted itself with my unhappiness and his anger.
2 months in and he left,moved into b&bs around london, I begged and begged for him to return home, to try to fix our marriage and just to come back, see the baby and help at night but he refused.
I left 3 months into moving into my dream home and moved into my parents house in Cornwall for 7 months.
I bought a small house near them, by the sea, I renovated it with my dad all summer while looking after my son and having sleepless nights.
I applied for divorce and had tense arguments and hate thrown in my face.
Henry turned 1.
I turned 28.
I started going to councilling, first a post-natal depression group then individual meetings for depression.
I moved into my new home in October and tried to settle into a new life in the countryside.
I feel like a shell of a person, a stay-at-home-mum that hates it and realising too late all that is gone once you have a child. I have frequent headaches and skin infections due to stress that is out of my control. I have found the transition from london to the countrside difficult and challenging and I miss my friends.
Everything takes time. It takes time to heal from a break up, it takes time to adjust to life as a mother, it takes time to acknowledge what you have lost and what you have gained, it takes time to find your place in the world and it takes time to make yourself happy.
My chosen theme for 2018 is Honesty. Through being honest I have started getting the help I have needed, through being honest I have had contact with many women online who have needed to reach out to get help from me and share their own stories, and through being honest i feel better.
So up yours 2017 and lets get things better in 2018
x
That became more obvious over the first 2 months into 2017 through various actions on his part. We went to marriage councilling together and seperately at vast cost. But through those months I had such hope. We moved in to the dream flat, and what he thought would vanish by getting more space just highlighted itself with my unhappiness and his anger.
2 months in and he left,moved into b&bs around london, I begged and begged for him to return home, to try to fix our marriage and just to come back, see the baby and help at night but he refused.
I left 3 months into moving into my dream home and moved into my parents house in Cornwall for 7 months.
I bought a small house near them, by the sea, I renovated it with my dad all summer while looking after my son and having sleepless nights.
I applied for divorce and had tense arguments and hate thrown in my face.
Henry turned 1.
I turned 28.
I started going to councilling, first a post-natal depression group then individual meetings for depression.
I moved into my new home in October and tried to settle into a new life in the countryside.
I feel like a shell of a person, a stay-at-home-mum that hates it and realising too late all that is gone once you have a child. I have frequent headaches and skin infections due to stress that is out of my control. I have found the transition from london to the countrside difficult and challenging and I miss my friends.
Everything takes time. It takes time to heal from a break up, it takes time to adjust to life as a mother, it takes time to acknowledge what you have lost and what you have gained, it takes time to find your place in the world and it takes time to make yourself happy.
My chosen theme for 2018 is Honesty. Through being honest I have started getting the help I have needed, through being honest I have had contact with many women online who have needed to reach out to get help from me and share their own stories, and through being honest i feel better.
So up yours 2017 and lets get things better in 2018
x
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