Week 3 // 2018
I am again feeling overwhelmed. The week has gone well but it is a reminder of how quickly things can feel unbearable and unmanageable.
Monday was Henry's CF Clinic which went really well (another blog post up tomorrow about it), I met the head Dr who was really informative and I came away feeling very positive about Henry's future and his health at the moment and that I am managing his physio and CF well.
Monday was Henry's CF Clinic which went really well (another blog post up tomorrow about it), I met the head Dr who was really informative and I came away feeling very positive about Henry's future and his health at the moment and that I am managing his physio and CF well.
I had two days in my hometown of Windsor which was an amazing break but sparked off my thoughts on wether I have made the right decisions in life recently. It reminded me how much I enjoy being in a town despite my lifelong feelings of being drawn to live near the sea. I enjoy a town where there are lots of activies and classes for me and Henry, larger facilities, restaurants, jobs that pay well and regular transport via buses and trains but also want the fresh air and sea. I feel very stretched between what I would prefer (Windsor) and the most important thing which is Henry's health (Cornwall)
It would also have been my wedding anniversary on Tuesday.
Honestly I had forgotten until google pictures reminded me of what I was doing 3 years ago. It made me feel really sad. It reminded me of many times he had put himself first over everything and I had let him, thinking I was to blame or that he would change his mind. How he had ignored and dismissed my option of living in Windsor when Henry was diagnosed, from which he could have commuted and I could have had breathing space in an area I felt comfortable in. It reminded me that we had found out how much mortgage we could get and we had been viewing properties to buy in Berkshire and yet he preferred to rent yet another flat in London. It reminded me of how much he has let me down and how heartbroken I am over it, and that I feel I have had no time to properly come to terms with my relationship ending as I have been too busy being a mother.
The rest of this week has felt tainted by these thoughts. Recently my parents were having Henry for saturday nights and sunday to give me a break but as they were ill I had Henry at home instead. Waking up day after day after day to 'mama' loudly screaming out of the baby monitor in my bedroom really starts to grate, and with the thoughts of my ex-husband looming on my mind, I have been waking up feeling frustrated that there is no-one here to help me. Someone else to let you have an extra hour in bed on occasion, or make you a cup of tea, to do the washing, and most importantly to talk to, to have adult conversation.
It may sound like loneliness but its not, I just keep thinking about what I potentially am missing out on. The family, the memories all made together, planning for the future, decisions made together. With this in mind I listened to a great radio programme with Sheryl Sandberg whose husband sadly died leaving her unexpectedly alone with two children and I have bought her book 'Option B - finding adversity, building resilience and finding joy' to see if it helps with some aspects of my life.
The endless drudgery of routine coupled with dreary weather and my thoughts, have made the last two days very difficult and I have another two days before he is back at nursery without any help. I feel trapped and the things that can help, alone time, and exercise, I am unable to do due to being a single parent.
"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned,
so as to have the life that is waiting for us" - Joseph Campbell
xx
It would also have been my wedding anniversary on Tuesday.
Honestly I had forgotten until google pictures reminded me of what I was doing 3 years ago. It made me feel really sad. It reminded me of many times he had put himself first over everything and I had let him, thinking I was to blame or that he would change his mind. How he had ignored and dismissed my option of living in Windsor when Henry was diagnosed, from which he could have commuted and I could have had breathing space in an area I felt comfortable in. It reminded me that we had found out how much mortgage we could get and we had been viewing properties to buy in Berkshire and yet he preferred to rent yet another flat in London. It reminded me of how much he has let me down and how heartbroken I am over it, and that I feel I have had no time to properly come to terms with my relationship ending as I have been too busy being a mother.
The rest of this week has felt tainted by these thoughts. Recently my parents were having Henry for saturday nights and sunday to give me a break but as they were ill I had Henry at home instead. Waking up day after day after day to 'mama' loudly screaming out of the baby monitor in my bedroom really starts to grate, and with the thoughts of my ex-husband looming on my mind, I have been waking up feeling frustrated that there is no-one here to help me. Someone else to let you have an extra hour in bed on occasion, or make you a cup of tea, to do the washing, and most importantly to talk to, to have adult conversation.
It may sound like loneliness but its not, I just keep thinking about what I potentially am missing out on. The family, the memories all made together, planning for the future, decisions made together. With this in mind I listened to a great radio programme with Sheryl Sandberg whose husband sadly died leaving her unexpectedly alone with two children and I have bought her book 'Option B - finding adversity, building resilience and finding joy' to see if it helps with some aspects of my life.
The endless drudgery of routine coupled with dreary weather and my thoughts, have made the last two days very difficult and I have another two days before he is back at nursery without any help. I feel trapped and the things that can help, alone time, and exercise, I am unable to do due to being a single parent.
"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned,
so as to have the life that is waiting for us" - Joseph Campbell
xx
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