Councilling
Yesterday I had my last councilling session. I started this in late summer last year when I was feeling surrounded by an endless tirade of exhausting circumstances both physically and emotionally. Henry was still not sleeping through the night and waking very early, I was negotiating a divorce while trying to emotionally distance myself from my husband and come to terms with what he had done to my idea of family life; I was exhausted from buying and renovating my house, still living under my parents roof and feeling little freedom to carve out my own space for me and my son.
It was really my lowest point and every day felt utterly hope-less.
Dealing with depression is awful but looking after a baby while going through it is intolerable. I was in contact with Outlook SW, a local councilling service and they begin by asking you a series of questions over the phone, my answers were sad and high in their register of someone who needs help. But my most enlightening question that I had been feeling but hadn't vocalised was:
Have you ever felt like you wanted to harm yourself or others?
No, but I just don't want to be alive and I don't want to be here.
A sad and hard answer and I was in tears but it was the truth. I hated every moment of every day and while out walking with Henry I just didn't see the point in any of it. The boredom was overwhelming, there was no enjoyment in my child -made worse by the endless medicines and physio, reminders that his life is limited, no self-purpose, no work to return to to build my confidence, no pride in myself for looking after my child, no partner to support me and no happiness. But I did have hope for the future, I believe and do still believe that things can get better, and sadly I know people don't always feel this hope and have no one in their lives to turn to.
I knew I had to start councilling to get myself feeling better. I had joined a post natal depression group last year but it was only me as sadly other women had cancelled due to finding it too difficult to talk about. I was then put on to 1-2-1 councilling through Outlook SW. It has been a meeting every 3 weeks for 45 minutes and has been the greatest thing to help me cope. Talking with someone who has the experience and training to help, to give some self-confidence back and delve into deeper issues has been invaluable. Her help has reminded me to be:
Present: An overused word at the moment but very important. This is how things are like, at the moment, they can change. When you are feeling at your very worst, it is easy to feel that things will never change, that the baby will still be crying at night in 6 months time, that you will never feel settled, that you will never feel happy and that there is no hope left. But trying to make 5 minutes to realise that yes the baby may be crying but this morning you washed your hair or went for a walk and felt happy, slowly builds to you being more aware and appreciative of those moments and that there are more in the future.
Assertive: I know what is best for myself and for Henry and I downplay those feelings and let others such as Doctors/physios/nurses/bosses/family tell me what they want but which doesn't work for me.
Time-Selfish: don't waste your time on things or people that don't make you happy or improve your present. Also as a parent you have such little time to yourself, when you do get 30 minutes free, do what you really want to do, exercise, have a nap, watch crap tv, eat food, whatever will make you feel better.
Try new things: If you don't try, you don't know if you like it or not. I kept being told to meet other mums, go to baby groups etc and I tried it but I hated it. I had nothing in common with these other parents, they enjoyed parenthood and the noise of 20 children running around a church hall just got on my nerves, but I wouldn't have know unless I tried, and a few times I did meet mums who were equally exhausted and we both felt better just finding someone like us.
It feels slightly frightening not to have any more sessions but I have learnt the signs of when I am feeling low and need to ask for help and what helps me feel better. I can only urge people to take the time to listen to other people's problems, you never know how much it can improve someone's life just to talk and take that emotional weight off their shoulders. I feel people are often too polite to ask the hard questions (or maybe they dont want to hear them) and ask how specific things are going in your life.
Lastly I want to say that I could not have got better without the help of my family. For them to take Henry while I can go and have councilling has been a huge help. I underestimated the need for help when you have a child and my situation would have been vastly different if I had been near my family or asked for them to come and see me more. Others don't have that option of family, so please ask your friends to come over, even if they don't have children, to bring you nice food, or order take aways together, hold your baby while your have a shower, or call your health visitor or GP and they should come and see you.
While doing councilling I found it really helpful to read books about other people who have been through these struggles:
Bryony Gordon - Mad Girl
Matt Haig- Reasons to Stay Alive
Also useful links I found:
www.outlooksw.co.uk
www.gingerbread.org.uk
www.mind.org.uk
www.rethink.org
www.womensaid.org.uk
It was really my lowest point and every day felt utterly hope-less.
Dealing with depression is awful but looking after a baby while going through it is intolerable. I was in contact with Outlook SW, a local councilling service and they begin by asking you a series of questions over the phone, my answers were sad and high in their register of someone who needs help. But my most enlightening question that I had been feeling but hadn't vocalised was:
Have you ever felt like you wanted to harm yourself or others?
No, but I just don't want to be alive and I don't want to be here.
A sad and hard answer and I was in tears but it was the truth. I hated every moment of every day and while out walking with Henry I just didn't see the point in any of it. The boredom was overwhelming, there was no enjoyment in my child -made worse by the endless medicines and physio, reminders that his life is limited, no self-purpose, no work to return to to build my confidence, no pride in myself for looking after my child, no partner to support me and no happiness. But I did have hope for the future, I believe and do still believe that things can get better, and sadly I know people don't always feel this hope and have no one in their lives to turn to.
I knew I had to start councilling to get myself feeling better. I had joined a post natal depression group last year but it was only me as sadly other women had cancelled due to finding it too difficult to talk about. I was then put on to 1-2-1 councilling through Outlook SW. It has been a meeting every 3 weeks for 45 minutes and has been the greatest thing to help me cope. Talking with someone who has the experience and training to help, to give some self-confidence back and delve into deeper issues has been invaluable. Her help has reminded me to be:
Present: An overused word at the moment but very important. This is how things are like, at the moment, they can change. When you are feeling at your very worst, it is easy to feel that things will never change, that the baby will still be crying at night in 6 months time, that you will never feel settled, that you will never feel happy and that there is no hope left. But trying to make 5 minutes to realise that yes the baby may be crying but this morning you washed your hair or went for a walk and felt happy, slowly builds to you being more aware and appreciative of those moments and that there are more in the future.
Assertive: I know what is best for myself and for Henry and I downplay those feelings and let others such as Doctors/physios/nurses/bosses/family tell me what they want but which doesn't work for me.
Time-Selfish: don't waste your time on things or people that don't make you happy or improve your present. Also as a parent you have such little time to yourself, when you do get 30 minutes free, do what you really want to do, exercise, have a nap, watch crap tv, eat food, whatever will make you feel better.
Try new things: If you don't try, you don't know if you like it or not. I kept being told to meet other mums, go to baby groups etc and I tried it but I hated it. I had nothing in common with these other parents, they enjoyed parenthood and the noise of 20 children running around a church hall just got on my nerves, but I wouldn't have know unless I tried, and a few times I did meet mums who were equally exhausted and we both felt better just finding someone like us.
It feels slightly frightening not to have any more sessions but I have learnt the signs of when I am feeling low and need to ask for help and what helps me feel better. I can only urge people to take the time to listen to other people's problems, you never know how much it can improve someone's life just to talk and take that emotional weight off their shoulders. I feel people are often too polite to ask the hard questions (or maybe they dont want to hear them) and ask how specific things are going in your life.
Lastly I want to say that I could not have got better without the help of my family. For them to take Henry while I can go and have councilling has been a huge help. I underestimated the need for help when you have a child and my situation would have been vastly different if I had been near my family or asked for them to come and see me more. Others don't have that option of family, so please ask your friends to come over, even if they don't have children, to bring you nice food, or order take aways together, hold your baby while your have a shower, or call your health visitor or GP and they should come and see you.
While doing councilling I found it really helpful to read books about other people who have been through these struggles:
Bryony Gordon - Mad Girl
Matt Haig- Reasons to Stay Alive
Also useful links I found:
www.outlooksw.co.uk
www.gingerbread.org.uk
www.mind.org.uk
www.rethink.org
www.womensaid.org.uk
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