Just The One Journal

Sunday was my second ever Mother's Day.  I didn't sleep well the night before. It brings up memories of the past 2 years and it is upsetting to think about. One year ago my first ever mother's day was a disaster. It ended up with me arguing with my husband, ripping every mother's day card I'd been sent in fury and frustration and just crying and crying from being so exhausted doing everything myself and never being given the opportunity to rest ever. 40 weeks 3 months old 10 months old 22 months old I think what has been hardest is realising that what you expect from yourself becoming a mother rarely turns out to be the way you wanted it. Yes, there are lots of mothers who really do have wonderful home births and breastfeed, and travel with their children happily and feed them vegan meals and only wear organic cotton and amber beads for teething and use sustainable wooden spoons and natural rubber dummys..etc...etc...and you might really

Yesterday I had my last councilling session. I started this in late summer last year when I was feeling surrounded by an endless tirade of exhausting circumstances both physically and emotionally. Henry was still not sleeping through the night and waking very early, I was negotiating a divorce while trying to emotionally distance myself from my husband and come to terms with what he had done to my idea of family life; I was exhausted from buying and renovating my house, still living under my parents roof and feeling little freedom to carve out my own space for me and my son. It was really my lowest point and every day felt utterly hope-less. Dealing with depression is awful but looking after a baby while going through it is intolerable. I was in contact with Outlook SW, a local councilling service and they begin by asking you a series of questions over the phone, my answers were sad and high in their register of someone who needs help. But my most enlightening question that I had be