Goodbye Baby, Hello Toddler

I didn't expect all this emotion. Selling all of Henry's baby things, crib, high chairs, buggy, sleepyhead pod....all these things I had bought with excitement, good memories being made, partners exicted for our new arrival, the hope that we would have lots more children and it all feels desperately sad now. How things have turned so bad in 2 and a half years, the unimagineable hardships I have had to face, the huge life changes, not only divorce but emotional abuse, violence, and my son being diagnosed with a life-limiting illness requiring much support and receiving none.

I can't wait to have all this stuff gone. To make peace with the past and move on without the reminders.

This comes at a time I also asked henry's father for extra help emotionally and financially, and to have it refused. It is incredibly sad to see someone who you once loved making the same mistakes over and over and to continue to treat me and Henry as non existant. Money ruins people.  But however you grew up, poor or rich, you make your own choices in life, how to treat people.  But i always was hopeful that he might redeem himself but it is becoming more and more clear that it is just me and Henry and it is my duty to provide everything, which frankly is exhausting.  The grip and control that a emotionally abusive person can still have on a person is very hard to break. Broken promises, empty words, their selfishness and belief that life is harder for them. If you are interested in hearing what it is like, i listened to a fantastic podcast with Bryony Gordon and Mel B.

Every day I have to remind myself of the positives and that this year 2019 is MY YEAR. The year we will move, find a nice school, find a good job, go on holiday and be happier. Nothing is easy but it does feel that I am being tested and tested and tested.

Selling these baby things triggers memories of the first year of Henry's life. Nothing will ever be as bad as the first few months with Henry. Living with someone who is unsupportive and pushes you into the ground emotionally.  A devastating diagnosis. A baby who cried constantly from lack of food. No sleep. Antibiotics 4x a day, physio 2x a day, anti-reflux medicine, 3x vitamins a day, trying to get a routine, never seeing my husband, not having time to even eat. I am astounded how i coped but it shows the capacity we can get through as people and my mindset and belief at the time that things must get better.

I'm not sure what I am aiming for in blogging this, other than for just one other woman to find it and feel relief at a challenging time, that they are not alone.